“Not marrying until everyone can marry” is self congratulatory BS

Ordinarily I would post a somewhat incendiary, somewhat personal rant like this “friends only,” but I think this is important, and frankly, I hope people do see it.

You’re a “solidarity single”, shall we say; in a straight relationship and refusing to get married “until everyone can get married”.


ESPECIALLY if you’re pointing it out in situations where it only kinda makes sense to bring it up;
•You are USING INEQUALITY to make yourself feel special.
•You are making involvement in the struggle for marriage equality uncomfortable for folks in opposite-sex civil marriages.
•You are NOT ACCOMPLISHING ANY DAMN THING. (Unless the conservative wingnuts who don’t want marriage equality suddenly started to care if a few hippie lefties opt not to get straight-married).

While the vote of solidarity might mean something to some folks who aren’t permitted to civil-marry their significant others, the choice comes, ultimately, more from a position of privilege than of solidarity, and cheapens the struggle for marriage equality.
-The choice of an opposite-sex couple not to civil marry is. . . a CHOICE.
•Doesn’t treating civil marriage as something you can live without defeat the point? If the straights can go without civil marriage, what the hell are the gays complaining about?
•By counterexample, my wife and I eloped because she would not have been able to go to college if we hadn’t. We love each other very much, and would have married eventually anyway, but I know it’s this kind of necessity that should be available to same sex couples that the “solidarity singles” (in my experience) are privileged not to face. Furthermore (while saying this feels a bit like stooping to the level of a same-sex-solidarity-pissing-contest, which is essentially exactly what I’m criticizing), my wife and I are the birth parents of a beautiful young man with two open-adoptive fathers: the desire for these dear and special friends to have the option to enter a civil marriage, and for my child to know that his two dads’ relationship is legally considered as valid as his birth-parents’ gives me a pretty intimate connection to this issue. I would venture to say it’s invested my wife and I with a dearer personal stake in the issue than if we had fabricated some restriction on our relationship.

Finally, do you even know what you mean when you say “We’re not getting married until everyone can get married.”?
A) Do you mean when same sex marriage is permitted in your state?
B) Do you mean when DOMA is repealed?
C) Do you mean both A & B?
D) Do you mean when every state recognizes same sex marriage?
E) Do you mean when every state permits same sex marriage?
F) Do you mean some combination of the above?
G) Do you mean when same sex marriage is permitted in every country?
H) Do you mean all of the above AND when committed, serious polygamous marriages are civilly recognized? I happen to think that committed, loving, valuable polygamous relationships are possible, and deserve legal recognition, but this is the kind of thing that creates the slippery slope the conservative wingnuts are afraid of.

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s